While death dances and hearts fail

You are never prepared.

There I was. Full of adrenaline, running towards the mist controlled by the enemy line. It was a mixed feeling of rescuing and being rescued. I'll explain. We where on a rescue mission; each platoon member was given a "buddy" to keep safe. We where supposed to be glued to our buddy like flesh and bone. The plan was then, to cross the enemy line that was guarding the coast, to reach the first city that was kept by ours. A bold plan that we knew would have a high death toll!

We had gone through hell in training for that one chance, a moment to make it all worth it. Lives where being sacrificed, but lives where also being saved wasn't it worth it? It seamed like an opportunity of a life time to make a purpose of it all, true and meaningful. It was a now or never situation, life or death, honor or disgrace. For a second though it seemed just like training ..until .. it all dissolved into screaming, running and gunning. Noble friends lying on the floor and even nobler friends running towards the fire with their partners/buddies and some extra ones of the diseased. When I got a hold of myself it finally hit me that I had lost my buddy! Where was he? He was the sole purpose of this mission. Had I gone through all of this, just to come out alive? Man I felt bad.. for a second I tried to remember where I had left him behind in the middle of the running.

At the same time I wanted to go back home alive.
...

While I tried to recuperate my memory, I somehow had this feeling of being rescued also. Some part of me was a little happy of making it this far already. But still.. how could I leave my defenseless buddy behind? Hummm...

I closed my eyes to try to remember and my thoughts take me back to my home town Viçosa. I was in the living room of my parents house; my sister was sharing with us her new song and what it meant. A slight momem.. and suddenly FLASH BACK to reality: screaming and running, this time it was the platoon leader "they are retreating! Run to hold their positions!".

"If I couldn't keep to my buddy, I might as well do the security of the platoon." I thought to myself as I rushed to the front, and while I runned I noticed that I wasn't the only one that lost his buddy, it was a big balagan!  The guns where more silent, and by the time I reached the high point I saw what he had seen... the enemy soldiers where raising their guns and either giving themselves in or retreating with their heads down.

I remember that it came to me that it looked like a funeral march, "maybe we have all seen too much death" I said to myself as I hopped that the way to the city would be done without gunfire.

______________________________________________________________________

Second moment.

My dad was driving the buss full of people in circles; did he even know what he was doing? It was the same buss we used to arrive there. The place was a beautiful campsite and all church members where very impressed, it was supposed to be a promising weekend, but where did it all go wrong!?

When I recalled what happened the previous night I was trapped in a mind loop of trying to find a solution! Why did those people disappear? Were did all that blood come from? Does any one know where the pastor is and what was he talking about?  Too many questions and to few knowledge.

I rushed to the driver and told him to stop. Somehow I felt that the driving was only to make people feel that they where safe with that constant feeling that "someone is taking care of us", "we are moving on, going to some safe place".. all non said lies that we feed ourselves with in these situations. He nodded back to me.. he could understand just by looking at me that that wasn't enough for me, I preferred to face the woods or the road by myself than to wait for the long awaited hope to come through the investigations.

"I'll head back to the camp" I thought to myself as I took my first steps outside the buss. It was frightening to go back there, but that is where I had to go! I knew that I could get my camping gear and supplies and spend the night safely distanced from the horror story. I was willing to try though, even if it meant to do it alone in that terrific situation.

The asphalt brought me memories when unexpectedly Marô driving her car towards the campsite stopped to offer me a ride. "Come in!" she said "We have to see it with our own eyes, how could they just run away and leave everything behind?" she continued as I noticed a couple of familiar faces in the car.

Some flashbacks of a machete and red blood on the floor and walls of the corridor jumped to my  eyes. I entered the car, and with a grateful heart I saw there where others with me again as we went to face the truth, the bloody and scary truth.

// Pleas let us not despair! But believe! There is hope, even in the disgrace (Job 14).